In the Darkness, Bringing Light.

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The thing is, she would tell us to put the Christmas tree up, even now. I know this because the day after Thanksgiving last year, the day after we brought her home from a two week stay at the hospital to in-home hospice care where a nurse named Faye marched in and informed us she’s dying, duh. Get with the program, and we didn’t eat turkey or have much to be thankful for, we still managed to put up the Christmas tree and she watched with a smile on her face.

If she could have gotten off the couch, she would have, to straighten the ornaments and rearrange the matryoshka Santa and red star candle on the fireplace mantle so that everything was evenly spaced.

She would have made the cookies, too, and I know this because she made my grandma drive her to the grocery store right before Christmas to buy the ingredients. I found them stashed in the cupboard a few days after the funeral.

This is the thing about traditions that I both love and hate right now : if we do them long enough, they are so deeply woven into who we are that even as a part of us mourns them, yet we still feel utterly compelled to do them. To not do them would sharpen the pain and absence and longing further, pull us deeper into the darkness. And she would hate that. There are times when going through the motions of tradition helps a family survive, and maybe even discover the good tidings and great joy for which this season exists :

Emmanuel, God with us. 

God with us in the darkness, bringing light, bringing hope.

So the tree will go up. The mantle will be adorned with the matryoshka Santa and the bright red star candle and the lace nativity. The cookies will be made, if I can find the recipe. Mannheim Steamroller will play in the background. And when we turn round the living room to survey the splendor of our own nostalgia and tradition, we will see her. Her straightening the star on the tree. Her rolling cookie dough, covered in flour. Her practicing Christmas carols at the piano. Her on the couch, trying to enjoy these last twinkle-lit moments with us.

  • http://www.stuffaudreysays.com/ Audrey the Turtle

    The Casual Vacancy is on my Christmas list! We have a no-purchasing-for-yourself rule after October 1st in my family, because then Christmas lists get confusing. Is that weird? I think it’s rad, though, because it gives me a chance to get caught up on all the things I need to finish before year-end, like half-read books. Can’t wait to see what you think of The Casual Vacancy, and who knows… maybe I’ll meet you at STORY next year?

    • http://KatieAxelson.com/ Katie Axelson

      That is a great rule!

  • http://KatieAxelson.com/ Katie Axelson

    Your bookshelf looks like mine: full. I want to read all the time! I did move Inciting Incidents to the “read” pile though but Biblical Womanhood is still on the “to read.” It’s accompanied by She’s Got Issues (Nicole Unice), Searching for God Knows What (Donald Miller), Fully Alive (Ken Davis), Kingdom Journeys (Seth Barnes), and a few others that aren’t coming to mind at the moment.

  • Alyse

    I have so many books on my “To Read” list, I am thinking of taking a speed reading course! Sheesh!! I really want to read J.K’s new book to see how she writes outside of HP-world. Have you read it?! I’d love to hear your thoughts on it when you’re finished, so naturally I’d love it if you started with that one! :)

    • Alyse

      Obviously you haven’t read it. Sorry, brain overload, but I had to comment when I saw that title!! :)

  • val dering rojas

    Wow, your selections sound awesome. I’m really intrigued by some of those you have, Bethany. I should do more reading that is “good for me”. :-)

    Oh, so much on my bookshelf right now. Most of it poetry. Just finished Tracy K Smith’s Life on Mars, now reading Sandra Beasley’s I Am the Jukebox and have a couple on order. As far as fiction, I have Freight by Mel Bosworth, which supposedly the story can have different versions depending on how you read it, but I’m finding that confusing so far. In non-fiction, I have Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed (crazy, foul-mouthed, but honesty and insight like you’ve never seen), Stiff by Mary Roach (I’m curious), and Spook, (even more curious) also by Mary Roach. Also, have the memoir, What Remains by Carole Radziwill…I’m about four chapters in to each one of these. I think I need to just pick one and go with it!!

    I wish it would just hurry up and get cold here so I could curl up with my books and read them. I’m so sick of the heat, and sitting by the pool to read has become sooooo old. It’s also not that easy when you’ve got two girls splashing around and fighting. Erm, did I say fighting? I meant playng. Ditto having them around the house, and after they go to bed I’m usually writing/revising poetry. Hmmm….anyone have any suggestions as to how I’ll EVER get to read my books?? Seems there is always something more important to be doing. *sigh*

    :-D

  • http://www.gracebiskie.com/ Grace Sandra

    drool. those all sound good.

  • Andrea Beltran

    Happy reading, friend. I hope you write a little about these books!

    I have too many things on my reading list. I’ve got Naomi Shihab Nye, D.A. Powell, and The Southwest Review on my kitchen table right now.

  • http://chasemymuse.com/ Anokina Shahbaz

    I recently decided to tackle the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. Always wondered what they were about, especially with the movies out. I read one of the chapters in Inciting Incidents by Blaine Hogan that was made available online – absolutely incredible story. I also love reading Shel Silverstein whenever I can. He’s a genius in his craft.

  • http://thisblankpage.com/ Timothy Snyder

    Is the Casual Vacancy good? I’m very interested in reading a non-Potter book by Rowling, but would like to know if its worth the time.